Shuffling through old photos,
reminiscing on fond memories,
a laugh, a sigh, a tear, an ending.
Eyes glance from moment to moment,
desperately sorting through the past,
and thus begins the mending.
An empty stare towards a blank white wall,
until I stumbled on that nail so small.
with an outstretched hand, my palm covered the head,
and with a wince of pain my heart was dead.
You bore this nail,
so I didn’t have to.
All for love’s sake,
You came to my rescue.
Ridiculed, scorned, beaten and bruised,
an ocean of blood, and my sins were excused.
No greater love than this: That He laid down His life for mine.
And yet, towards His love I remain malign.
Replacing Him, for this affection, that affirmation, this attention;
not even thinking twice for His feelings, His love.
Searching in vain for my own contrived faith,
telling myself, “when I have that car, this husband, that career;
then I’m safe.
And so I wade in lukewarm water,
never diving deeper,
placing my desires at the altar.
I have forgotten You,
turned back on the only One I needed.
Chasing after a false hope,
but You always pleaded.
Pleaded for me to return to You,
earnestly urging me towards Your embrace,
but blindly I stumble in search of Your grace.
In search of Your grace on a misguided path,
paths that cleverly meandered around Your wrath.
Because I was scared to place my life in Your hands,
I took it upon myself to take charge of Your plans.
And now I am asking myself why,
why I am standing here, in this place that I so fervently tried to deny.
I was a fool to believe that I controlled my destiny,
that I was the mastermind behind my fate;
because You are the one who designs my journey,
Your timing is never a moment too early, never a second too late.
So here I am now, begging for Your forgiveness,
ashamed, embarrassed, broken, defeated.
I want You to look at me for the wretched sinner that I am,
and show me no mercy, for I should be damned.
I deserve Your wrath, Your punishment, Your trial;
it was You that I disappointed,
it was You that I beguiled.
And I want nothing more than to pay the price for what I have done,
trading Your love, for temporary satisfaction.
You should forget me, as I have forgotten You;
I am undeserving, the things that I have done I cannot undo.
In this moment I am broken, beyond repair;
but You whisper one last time, “ Come to me in prayer”.
Down on my knees I bow my head,
presenting my remorseful heart, offering it to You instead.
I hand You this blackened, cold, and hardened heart,
I don’t want it anymore; it’s falling apart.
You alone are the only One who can mend it,
and if you permit,
then I shall submit,
to glorify Your name, Your honor, Your heart,
and live the life that You created me for.