A Nail on a Wall

Shuffling through old photos,

reminiscing on fond memories,

a laugh, a sigh, a tear, an ending.

Eyes glance from moment to moment,

desperately sorting through the past,

and thus begins the mending.

An empty stare towards a blank white wall,

until I stumbled on that nail so small.

with an outstretched hand, my palm covered the head,

and with a wince of pain my heart was dead.

You bore this nail,

so I didn’t have to.

All for love’s sake,

You came to my rescue.

Ridiculed, scorned, beaten and bruised,

an ocean of blood, and my sins were excused.

No greater love than this: That He laid down His life for mine.

And yet, towards His love I remain malign.

Replacing Him, for this affection, that affirmation, this attention;

not even thinking twice for His feelings, His love.

Searching in vain for my own contrived faith,

telling myself, “when I have that car, this husband, that career;

then I’m safe.

And so I wade in lukewarm water,

never diving deeper,

placing my desires at the altar.

I have forgotten You,

turned back on the only One I needed.

Chasing after a false hope,

but You always pleaded.

Pleaded for me to return to You,

earnestly urging me towards Your embrace,

but blindly I stumble in search of Your grace.

In search of Your grace on a misguided path,

paths that cleverly meandered around Your wrath.

Because I was scared to place my life in Your hands,

I took it upon myself to take charge of Your plans.

And now I am asking myself why,

why I am standing here, in this place that I so fervently tried to deny.

I was a fool to believe that I controlled my destiny,

that I was the mastermind behind my fate;

because You are the one who designs my journey,

Your timing is never a moment too early, never a second too late.

So here I am now, begging for Your forgiveness,

ashamed, embarrassed, broken, defeated.

I want You to look at me for the wretched sinner that I am,

and show me no mercy, for I should be damned.

I deserve Your wrath, Your punishment, Your trial;

it was You that I disappointed,

it was You that I beguiled.

And I want nothing more than to pay the price for what I have done,

trading Your love, for temporary satisfaction.

You should forget me, as I have forgotten You;

I am undeserving, the things that I have done I cannot undo.

In this moment I am broken, beyond repair;

but You whisper one last time, “ Come to me in prayer”.

Down on my knees I bow my head,

presenting my remorseful heart, offering it to You instead.

I hand You this blackened, cold, and hardened heart,

I don’t want it anymore; it’s falling apart.

You alone are the only One who can mend it,

and if you permit,

then I shall submit,

to glorify Your name, Your honor, Your heart,

and live the life that You created me for.

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