Winter has arrived, and slowly the year draws to a close. I relish in these last couple of weeks before the new year, and my thoughts run awry. Each night as I lay my head down, my mind races, organizing my to do list for the upcoming school year: this internship, this job, these classes, this car payment, that friendship, this mission trip, that professor, this grad school. I sort through past memories, contrive alternative solutions to lessons learned the hard way, and create hypothetical situations of memories past where in this scenario that I have oh so perfectly designed, I can redeem myself. I shuffle through my laundry list of future hopes, categorizing them and branding them with the words: possible, potential, and preposterous. As if I have the power to determine what my life encompasses. I lay for hours, trying to figure out every detail to every problem, every task, every thought. Because in my mind, I have the control. Until that moment comes, where I finally sort through every finite detail and I am still unable to draw a conclusion; only then do I look to You. Apologetically, the last thing on my mind, is You. It is in this moment that my shame becomes overwhelming. Mentally I degrade myself for remaining blind. I tell myself: I’ll do better tomorrow; to acknowledge You, praise You, and give You control over my life. But that’s just it: as if I am the one allowing You to control my life. I pray nightly, Lord take control of my life, as if You don’t? “Lord, fill me with Your Spirit”, as if I have the right to summon it upon myself? “Lord guide my thoughts”, as if He doesn’t already know my every desire.
I am deceived. Deceived by my own thoughts, thoughts that over the years have granted me endowment over my own life. If I am to be brutally honest, I am utterly afraid of placing my life in Your hands. I’m scared to pursue the life that you designed for me, because I fear that I will fall down, time and time again. After all, my past mistakes are proof enough, that I’m not strong enough, that I don’t deserve to become holy, that I don’t deserve to seek after Your own heart. But that’s the biggest lie our society feeds us; that we aren’t worthwhile, that we aren’t loved. God didn’t have to breathe life into this world, He didn’t have to design our hearts so intricately; but He did. He did because He wanted nothing more than for us to be in relation with Him. Though I stray from Him each and every day, He always pulls me back to Him. With outstretched hands he whispers, my Beloved